Monday, August 29, 2011

Does Anybody Actually Read These Titles?

            (When I say “put the maximum possible effort into anything”, I mean besides putting up posts on schedule.)

            “Watching professional sports” is not an activity that I spend a great deal of time doing. I actually don’t actively detest them, which is a bit strange considering that most of them use inflatable balls, and I have nothing but disdain for objects filled with pressurized air (I prefer tires made out of solid rubber, and old-timey diving bells instead of SCUBA gear. Lungs are a story for another day). I simply find professional sports boring, nothing more.
            However, it’s against my principles to put anything but the maximum possible effort into anything. If I’m going to dislike something, I have to dislike it with every fiber in my body and several that are technically located in other people. Because of this, I make a deliberate effort to avoid seeing sports in order to avoid triggering one of those fits where I start to foam at the mouth, black out, and wake up to find out that somebody’s made a rather depressing independent film based on the events that have transpired. It’s easy enough avoiding sports at places like restaurants that show them on television: all you need is a pair of wire cutters, maybe a shovel, and a distraction of fairly significant proportions (say, Godzilla. Or maybe just a road flare). Avoiding sports at public parks is a bit more challenging, but I’ve managed to find a way around it by convincing a local supervillain to construct a weather-control machine, stealing it after a British gentleman in a tuxedo had brought the villain in, and just switching on the rain whenever I have to go by the park.
            These techniques have worked fine so far, but seeing as the weather machine is fueled by some substance that is gradually making my fingers transparent due to handling it, it might be a good idea to adopt a new strategy. My idea: in order to allow me to like sports, make them less boring from my point of view, in the most pointlessly roundabout fashion possible.

Football (American version): First, make the ball a regular sphere. It’s an embarrassment to the other geometric objects as it is. Second, introduce a system to reward players for doing well. If he plays well in one game, give him an extra point. If he does well again, give him an assault rifle. If he still does well, just declare him the king of football so everybody else can go home.

Football (rest of the world version): Instead of deciding who wins based on how many goals are scored, just let the two opposing groups of fans onto the field and let them beat the snot out of each other. The team with the winning group of fans wins the match. The team itself can stay home.

Ice Hockey: Same deal as rest-of-the-world football, except everybody gets skates with chainsaw blades.

Gymnastics: Expose gymnasts to cosmic rays, hope for a few Mr. Fantastics.

Fencing: This is already pretty close. All we need is real swords, some special effects, and periodic Highlander references. Alternate: Hundred-kilometer long blades; contestants located in different countries.


  1. i read your titles :P also i want to see what your response is to this video:

  2. I am going to warn you before I use that video link: If I am being Rickrolled, bad things will happen to you. Things involving snakes. And thumbtacks. And a candy bar, though I'm trying to extricate that from the process.

  3. its not a rick roll i don't do that kind of thing.

  4. Alright, I've watched that video. It appears to be a choreographed propoganda video for the Cow Supremacist Movement. Simple enough. I'll be studying this to see if I can understand their message. Thank you for forwarding this to me.

  5. here's another one in case your interested in studying it too. its made by the same guy:

    and here's one for the sheep supremacist movement:

  6. Perfect evidence that the animals are conspiring against us. I'm going to need to show these to the U.N. Then again, they probably won't let me in the building again, so I'll need a jumbotron and a sound system that can crack the earth.

  7. so you're not allowed in any local robotics facilities, 3 movie theaters (though i suspect you finally got banned from that fourth one), numerous chess tournaments, Finland, the local zoo, and now the U.N. building. what AREN'T you banned from?

  8. Movie studios, not theaters. And I've stopped keeping a full list; at this point I just walk into a room and see if anybody ducks.