Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sim City: "Completely Bonkers" Edition

            (I fail to see how this plan could possibly fail.)

            I consider it my duty to make everybody’s life as surreal as I can manage. My policy is that anybody who hasn’t been confused into a state of gibbering idiocy a minimum of three times simply hasn’t lead an interesting enough life, and it’s my responsibility to assist them. It’s social work, only from the Lovecraftian school of thought. However, most of the time, I can only manage this on a small scale. I’ve tried making plans to correct this before, but it turns out that blimps are harder to rent than you might think, so most of my plans haven’t gone anywhere.
            However, I’ve got a new idea. It involves buildings. You see, I’m given to understand that most societies plan their buildings before plunking down some concrete and valiantly eradicating some trees. This means that, for every community, there’s a group of men whom I suspect to have moustaches who have the job of deciding what gets built and where. This may not actually be how things get built, but I figure that any need demanded by the people will inevitably be filled by men with moustaches. I’m demanding this, and I’m technically a “person”, so if we assume a ration of one mustached man for every ten people demanding something, I should have at least one-tenth of a man in charge of community planning. My plan is to replace this man-fraction, using plastic surgery if necessary. No, I will not explain how exactly I intend to do this.
            Once I’ve gained control of the city planning committee/man-fraction, I’ll move on to doing what any reasonable person does when given the slightest bit of power: abuse it as much as I can until the peasants are carting me to the guillotine. The first order of business is simple enough: commission two competing construction companies to build similarly-sized buildings on the same spot. I’m not sure how this scenario would play out, but I’m hoping it would start out with a West Side Story- style song and dance battle between the two companies that would culminate with them deciding to each build half of the building individually and draw a chalk line separating the two, which they would eventually erase once they learned the value of friendship.
            Of course, I’ve got plenty of plans besides this. I’ll commission a skyscraper twice the size of any other that’s ever been built, and then screw up the plans so the whole deal winds up getting built lying on its side. I’ll build three new identical city halls: one of them actually containing a city hall, the other two containing tigers, with their locations being swapped every night. I’ll build the world’s first supersonic subway system to have a track less than ten meters long.


  1. one question: what kind of mustache would these people have? and why don't they have beards? I mean, come on, no beards? whats wrong with you!

  2. Well, their moustaches are actually neckbeards. Neckbeards don't actually qualify as traditional beards because they lack the accompanying moustache. However, they're obviously a type of facial hair, so if they aren't beards, then neckbeards must be moustaches.

  3. but they are beards! Wikipedia says so! and if Wikipedia says so then it must be true

  4. Wikipedia also says that I don't exist. Now, I haven't performed any controlled experiments, but I'm inclined to believe that I do exist to some extent. Therefore, since I'm not important enough to get a page on Wikipedia, Wikipedia is wrong about everything. Ergo, neckbeards are moustaches, Genghis Khan was a merciful and benevolent ruler, and the Earth is actually shaped like a cube.

  5. well, can't argue with that logic.