Friday, August 26, 2011

You'd Be Surprised How Much Damage a Stapler Can Inflict

            (Fun fact: I used every key on my keyboard to type this post, except most of them.)

            I’ve been thinking lately that I need my own private army. Not an army of mercenaries, of course. I’ve learned my lesson on that one: never assume that a burly man with a Slavic accent is referring to the candy bar when he says he wants to discuss “Payday”. No, I’m thinking of taking the idea in a different direction. I’m going to seize control of the nearest large white-collar corporation- just walk in, take the CEO’s seat, and hope he’s too polite to say anything. Once I’ve assumed power, it’s a simple enough task to subtly train the personnel to obey my orders, no matter how suicidal, inhumane, or flat-out contradictory they might be. If we can train an intern to buy coffee, we can train him to charge an enemy stronghold wielding nothing but a slightly large pair of scissors. It’s basic psychology.
            So why would I want an army in the first place? Well, why not? I think we can all agree that, given the opportunity, we wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to see thousands of troops bellow our names in triumph. If nothing else, it would be a wonderful way to annoy the neighbors. Personally, I think the world would be a much better place if we all had access to a few legions of soldiers. Don’t like the way that a convenience store clerk treated you? Lay siege to the store! Honestly, the only people who get the short end of the stick are the actual soldiers, but in this scenario they can just send their own private armies to fight for them, so it really doesn’t have a downside that I can see.
            “But what are you going to use your new army for, Hal?” you say to yourself because this is my blog and people here do what they’re told. I’m glad I forced you to ask, generic reader. You see, I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do. Well, of course, there’s the obligatory “Hand out chainsaws, point in the general direction of a forest, and just let things happen”, but that’s really not that different from how I was going to spend my afternoon anyway, aside from the fact that I might bother to turn the chainsaws off before I hand them to my accountants-turned-warriors.
            Honestly, I think I may leave the deployment of my troops up to chance. I know that if I keep trying to think of things to do with them, I’ll eventually resort to the world’s largest a capella rendition of the Lumberjack song from Monty Python. They’re accountants anyway, I’ll just dump them in the nearest financial district and tell them to go all Attila the Hun on any office that has an employee wear a Hawaiian shirt for any reason.


  1. whats wrong with Hawaiian shirts?

  2. There's nothing inherently wrong with them, it's just that office workers aren't supposed to wear Hawaiian shirts. It's unnatural. Imagine if a bear walked into your office wearing a shirt and tie. You'd do the exact same thing that I would: run to the bathroom, try to call the local police department, and spend twenty minutes trying to convince the local pizza restaurant that they were actually the police department.

  3. but what if i dressed the entire army I'm apparently getting in Hawaiian shirts though then your guys would be wearing the unusual clothing and get hauled off to jail by the pizza delivery guy. also I'll take mine with extra extra extra cheese.

  4. However, even if you dressed your army up in them, you'd still be the unusual one. Remember, everybody's getting an army in this ideal universe, and they're not all going to opt for the Hawaiian shirts. There simply isn't a large enough supply of tacky middle-aged men to sustain it.

  5. yes but everyone in my army has an army and ill order them to dress up their soldiers in Hawaiian shirts and their armies army will be dressed up in Hawaiian shirts and their army's army's army will be dressed up in Hawaiian shirts and before you know it the Hawaiian shirt wearers will outnumber the weird guys who don't wear Hawaiian shirts. its brilliant brilliant BRILLIANT.

  6. Alright, I'll concede this argument. I guess we're all doomed to drown under a rising tidal wave of colorful fabric.