Waiting for the Apocalypse: Much Shorter than You've Come to Expect

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Much Shorter than You've Come to Expect

(Eh, forget it.)

You may have noticed that updates to this blog have come a bit late a few times. Every time, for instance. More specifically, this post was supposed to appear last Saturday. This might appear odd to the more observant among you, who may have picked up on the fact that today is more commonly known as Tuesday. But, much like the ongoing financial crisis, the Republic of Finland’s opinion on border security, and the hardware store owner’s repeated insistence that he ”will not accept bricks as currency”, I don’t care about the date. You see, I take a much more liberal approach to the space-time continuum than most people. For most people right now, it’s boring, stodgy old Tuesday. For Hal, it’s fresh, beautiful, colorful, grim, Anatidaephobic Saturday. In fact, it’s Saturday, the 25th. The 25th of December! Merry Christmas! And I think I’ll stop that right here, so that I don’t decide that it’s currently December 25th, 1917 and destroy my computer in a fit of anachronistic rage.

So I’m off to enjoy the holidays. I think I’ll start by not writing a post today!

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For the person who has inadvertently stumbled across this blog:

Before you go any further, read the first post. It'll save you a lot of confusion. Well, some.

This is a series of short, schizophrenic rants that I update twice a week. Supposedly it's updated every Wednesday and Saturday, but I've never found conclusive evidence in support of that theory. I'll just say that it'll be updated whenever I can take time out of my busy schedule of trying to find a plausible explanation to why birds refuse to fly directly over me.

I consistently have no idea what to make the focus of the next rant, so I'm instituting a new policy: if you leave a good idea in the comments section, I'll stop stalking you. That's right: Starting right now, I will not leave you alone, under any circumstances, until you tell me what to write about.

Think I'm bluffing? I'm not. The very fact that I'm keeping a blog proves that I have no better way to spend my time. And I know that the number of people who come across my blog is limited enough that I'll only have to keep tabs on one at a time. On the off chance that more than one person visits this site, I can easily keep them all in a single location for monitoring.

That means that if you wake up to find yourself locked inside a dirty motel room with two strangers, start shouting out web addresses of things that are worthy of being mocked, or just random bits of asinine information. If the door unlocks, it's me. If a sinister voice tells you that none of you may leave until all three of you successfully grow a bean sprout in a coffee cup, that's Carl. Tell him Hal sent you, and he'll even give you a coffee cup.