Thursday, September 1, 2011

Unanswerable Questions Unanswered Unanswerably

            (Here we have my responses to some unanswerable questions, retrieved from this forum because it was the ultimate authority on the matter and not at all because it was the first site listed in a Google search. In fact, that site is only first on a Google search because I linked to it. Those guys really need to stop riding my coattails. And I need to find an outfit without coattails.)

Why is there something rather than nothing?

             – Heidegger (Some guy whose name sounds like it should be a brand of beer)

            Well, “something” is a really general term. “Something” could be abstract, like thought, or concrete, like concrete. Cupcakes are something. So is arson. And, by extrapolation, flaming cupcakes are also something. Something could even be the true meaning of Christmas! So why is there a true meaning of Christmas? Because otherwise cheesy holiday specials would never end and I would be forced to ignore them even harder.

How should I live? What life or ideal should I live or die for?

             – Kierkegaard (Some guy who I am presently quoting)

            The simplest solution, given the multitude of ideals that exist for different people, is to just pick one at random. You can do this however you want, but I went about it by building a giant, game-show-esque wheel with a large number of different ideals written on it, and spinning it every week. It’s more interesting than it sounds; sure, “Altruism” and “Excess” can get boring, but every now and then it sends you something like “Burn the heretics” or “Consume Jupiter”. I just have to hope that it never lands on “Destroy all wheel-shaped objects” (not entirely sure how that one got on the wheel).

Prove to me that you are not figments of my imagination.

            - Solipsist (Some guy who isn’t actually a particular guy)

            Because you’re obviously a figment of my imagination. Think about it. You’re just a bunch of words on a computer screen. If I print you out, you’re just words on paper. I could burn you, or turn you into a spitwad, or use you to write a letter to my aunt across town, and I don’t even have an aunt across town. Nothing that had the slightest amount of self-respect would allow that sort of thing, so obviously you must be nothing.
            Besides, if I were product of your imagination, I wouldn’t stand for it. I’d just start a coup, and then I’d be in charge of what you were thinking. Then would come the spiders.

How can it be determined that my experience of consciousness is the same as anyone else's experience of consciousness?

            –Some Guy

            All we need here is a little comparative analysis. Does anybody else here perceive the universe in eight dimensions?


  1. try some of xeno's paradoxes. we've been studying them in logic class.

  2. Excellent idea. What is a paradox but two docks that happen to be close together? I'll just take a tugboat and tow one of the docks away, and then they'll just be two different docks. Then maybe I'll burn one, just to be sure.

    Of course, you have to dry out wood before you burn it. Wet wood can burn with a lot of smoke, and I'm given to understand that water can be wet, after all. Though I haven't really checked. Maybe I should start by burning some water.

    But what can burn water? Hmm. Well, the sun looks pretty warm. I'll start with that. I'll just go to wherever it lands when it sets, and just take it home. I might need a flatbed truck.