Saturday, July 16, 2011

Yes, I Did Indeed Start the Fire

            (Starting next week, I’m going to start writing two posts per week instead of one, so the world may bask in my glorious glory all the more. How much more awesome does that make my blog? That’s easy to figure out, with some basic math: seeing as my posts are all around five hundred words long, that makes for a total of a thousand words a week. There are seven days in a week, so we multiply seven by a thousand, and subtract four because of the four letters in  “Hal10k”, but add the “10”, which is “1-0”, or “one zero”, so we don’t actually add anything, and then we divide that by the number of times I’ve made a post about Cleverbot because I’m too lazy to come up with actual jokes, and then we raise that all to the power of -.25  because why the hell not, and we wind up with an awesomeness factor of… 9.144, followed by a whole bunch of other numbers that I don’t care about. You’re welcome. Here’s something unrelated to this paragraph.)

            I’ve noticed lately that my posts aren’t exactly garnering a vast multitude of comments. In fact, I’d say that they’ve been garnering a positively meager amount of comments. In fact, I’d say they barely garner any. In fact, I’d call them an absolute embarrassment to the word “garner”, if it weren’t for the fact that “garner” already sounds like some sort of racial slur against groundskeepers.
            So why don't I have many comments? I have no idea. The most likely answer to this question would be that my writing is so magnificent that the mere act of reading it causes your head to explode like a watermelon being fired out of a howitzer. This both explains the lack of comments on this site and gives me an alibi for what happened to my grade school English teachers, so I’d call it a winning deal.
            On the other hand, I owe it to myself and my decapitated readership to perform a thorough experiment. In order to ascertain that my writing is indeed incapacitating you, I’m going to breach a few topics that are sure to result in pages upon pages of high-quality hate from any given group of cranially intact internet denizens. If I don’t see any flame wars as a reaction to these statements, I can rest assured that the vast majority of you are either decent people or, far more likely, dead from shear awesomeness.
            Alright. Let’s get some knee-jerk reaction topics:

-The liberal leaning political party of every country is utterly infallible in every way. Conversely, the conservative leaning parties are composed of aggressive drug dealers who enjoy roasting babies for a midday snack.

            If that doesn’t set you off:

-The conservative leaning political party of every country is in every way infallible. The liberal parties play poker with money stolen from little school girls with pink pigtails, and prefer their babies sautéed.

            Some more statements sure to illicit a sharp response:

-My religion is utterly infallible. All the other omnipotent superbeings are obvious fabrications.
-Science is bad, because I saw a movie once where a scientist did bad things.
-Michael Bay exists.
-Look how cute this kitten is!
-Hi, I have an opinion!


  1. You're a Liar! A Filthy Stinking LIAR!! Michael Bay does not exist! Good Day Sir!

    I said Good Day SIR!!

  2. Not quite the stream of bile that I was hoping for, but I'll take what I can get. Congratulations on not exploding.