Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hit Yourself in the Hand with a Hammer

            (Notice that I never specified when the additional posts would be coming. Alright, alright, somewhere vaguely around Wednesday from now on.)

            (Disclaimer: Hitting yourself in the hand with a hammer is extremely painful in addition to being wicked sweet.)

            Read the title of this post. That’s right. It isn’t lying to you; despite my hopes and best efforts, written text is not capable of lying through its own volition. If it was, I assure you that the street signs would ensure that every single vehicle in existence eventually makes its way to Detroit out of shear spite. They hate us, after all, being immobile and whatnot.
            So we’ve established that the title isn’t lying to you. Which means that, yes, I am telling you to hit yourself in the hand with a hammer. Why? Hell if I know. But I do know that I’m currently telling you to do it, and that’s all that I need to know to be sure that it’s a good idea. My lawyer disagrees with me on this part, something about a “legal minefield” or whatever, but I don’t really trust him. It’s his job to give me information, after all, which means that it’s in his best interest to make sure that there’s a lot of information to give. Ergo, it’s only logical that he would make everything he says up, which means that I should assume everything he says is false. My lawyer called that line of reasoning “absurd”, so I must assume that it’s absolutely correct.
            But back on topic: a hammer, your hand, and a very painful meeting between the two. You may be thinking to yourself, “Why exactly would I deliberately hit myself with a hammer?” Then again, if you’re reading this, it’s likely that your thoughts are more along the lines of, “Now where can I find a pot big enough to hold both of my shoes and that insurance salesman?” But I’m going to assume that it’s the former, mainly because I’m trying to find one of those pots myself and I think that it’s best not to keep the competition informed.
            So why would you hit yourself with a hammer? The answer to that would seem rather obvious. Imagine getting onto the bus at rush hour, and finding every seat full. If you haven’t hit yourself with a hammer, you just sigh, wait patiently, maybe plot a homicidal rampage if you’re feeling bored. But if you’ve recently hit yourself with a hammer, then you just show the hammer to the driver and say, as loudly as you can, “I just hit myself with this!” You’re sure to get a seat. You might even get to drive the bus!
            So I’m sure that we all recognize the benefits of hitting yourself in the hand with a hammer. After all, everybody else is going to be doing it. If you aren’t, then that makes you a square, and everybody knows that squares get the least screentime out of all the shapes on Sesame Street. Everybody else is going to be a circle or a rhombus or a graph of a quadratic equation or whatever, and you’re going to be a dodgy old square because you didn’t want to hit yourself in the hand with a hammer.
            So. Anyway. You know what must be done.
I'll just leave this here...

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