Sunday, July 24, 2011

Instructions for Hitting Yourself in the Hand with a Hammer

            (Maybe these little notes in italics would work better at the end of the posts.)

            It has occurred to me that my heartfelt message imploring you to maim yourself in my last post may not have been heeded by some of you, out of some misguided skepticism towards the advice of possibly psychotic internet weirdos. Let me be the first to assuage your fears- I follow every bit of advice that I ever receive on the internet, and I am currently expecting upwards of fifty million dollars from a wealthy if grammatically challenged gentleman from Nigeria. Sure, I had to send him an advance of five thousand dollars in addition to my immortal soul, but I wasn’t using those anyway.
            So that’s why you should do everything that I tell you to do, without protest or indeed conscious thought. After all: most people would tell you not to do the things that I tell you to do, like hit yourself in the hand with a hammer. But why do they say that? Because “the Man” (Frederick) tells them to. You’re just following Fredericks orders. So if you don’t do everything that I say, you’re a mindless drone who does everything he’s told.
            So here’s a little walkthrough on obeying this latest command:

Step one: Procuring a hammer.

            This is probably the simplest step. Go to your local hardware store. If you can find a hammer, buy it. If you can’t, you’re at the grocery store. Buy a watermelon to smash once you’ve gotten the hammer.

Step two: Procuring a hand.

            Now, the hand doesn’t necessarily have to be attached to your body, but that’s probably the safest route from a legal standpoint. To find your hand, touch your shoulder. The thing that you are touching it with is your hand. Make sure to put a locator chip in your hand to make sure that you don’t lose it.

Step three: Procuring a level surface.

            You might not think that this step is all that important, but believe me, it is. You have no idea how frustrating it can get to swing both through the air and miss every time. So find yourself a level surface- table, desk, washing machine, unusually organized pile of ants, etc.

Step four: Putting your hand on the level surface.

            Make sure that the surface is not covered with a high-grade acid before you do this.

Step five: Remembering that you left the hammer in your car.

            God damn it.

Step six: Being accosted by a neighbor selling Girl Scout cookies while walking to your car.

            No, I don’t want any. No- look, I have something to do, okay? Leave me alone.

Step seven: Remembering that, no wait, you’re actually already holding the hammer.

            Now look, I don’t want any cookies, okay? And Mr. Smashy here really doesn’t want any. Do I make myself clear?

Step eight: Being arrested for threatening a little girl with a hammer.

            It was the hammer, alright? Not me, the hammer! I tried to tell him to calm down, but he wouldn’t listen! He’s a monster, I tell you!

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