Saturday, June 25, 2011

We Are Above the System

            (I have actually done this)

            A few weeks ago, I proposed that typical business attire is entirely useless for any activity that does not entail chasing Keanu Reeves across rooftops. I may have also drifted of into a tangent about being trapped on a subway car. Unfortunately, I may have unearthed a new use for the pants-jacket-tie combination. You may think that this would force me to admit that business attire is more versatile than I have implied, and that my opinions may not be absolutely infallible under all circumstances. You obviously haven’t been paying attention. Instead, in the interest of never being proven wrong about anything ever, from this point forward I’m going to refer to business attire as “Super Business Attire”. Technically, I’m talking about something else, and if you disagree with this supposition then you obviously haven’t revised your dictionary so that your definition of “technically” complies with WFTA standards.
            Anyway, the use that I’ve discovered for the fascinating new substance known as Super Business Attire is part of my long-term campaign to screw around with society at large. You can try this at home, if you want, though bear in mind that I bear no responsibility for any injuries, liabilities, or hallucinated bear attacks sustained through following my advice.
            It’s a fairly simple process:

            1. Identify a target. It has to be a person who is fairly stupid- not “Consumes black paint because he thinks it’s cheaper by the gallon than coffee” stupid, but not competent enough that they’ll suspect that something is amiss. “Paranoid” is also a positive factor here. If they’re wearing a tin foil hat, that’s a good sign. If they’re completely covered in tin foil, you’re probably dealing with a roast chicken, and I advise you to move on.
            2. Make note of this person’s schedule. Follow him around, try to find when he’s alone. Maybe mug him a few times.
            3. When you’re confident that you can catch him alone, walk up to him in your Super Business Attire while wearing a pair of sunglasses. Explain to him that you’re part of a secret society that runs the world from the shadows, and that you want to recruit him into your ranks.
            4. He may be skeptical at first, so make sure that have your story down before you begin. Some examples for you:
             --Your society has run the world for over 5,000 years. The symbol of your domination has persisted for that length of time, and has been known throughout history as the Egyptian god Osiris, the seal of a medieval monastery, the Eye on top of the Pyramid on the back of the American dollar bill, the Canadian Maple leaf, and Mickey Mouse.
            --In order for him to gain entrance into the society, all he need do is get a tattoo of Mickey Mouse on his left wrist. Attempts to get around this rule by simply wearing a Mickey Mouse watch will not be looked upon kindly.
            --The enemies of your society wear make-up that makes them look like they have pointed ears. Star Trek conventions are actually their secret meeting places, and the helpers to department store Santas are actually their highest ranking members. He may assault both of these locations with impunity.

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