Sunday, June 12, 2011

Logic In Its Purest Form

            (Okay, as it turns out, I had to delay this next post for quite a while. So what? It’s not like you’re doing anything that great. Look at you, staring at a computer screen when you could be designing a skyscraper or giving CPR to a puppy or making a sandwich or something. Everybody knows that every moment not spent making a sandwich is a moment wasted.)

            An actual conversation that I recently had with my brother:

Brother: So, anyway, I’m going to watch Killers on my Netflix account…
Me: Wait, what?
Brother: What?
Me: That’s a romantic comedy!
Brother: No it’s not. Netflix says that it’s an action-comedy.
Me: Of course it says that. That’s how you know it’s a bad romantic comedy, because it tries to disguise itself as something else. The good ones are at least up front about being drivel. If it says it’s not a romantic comedy, that means it’s a really bad one.
Brother: Or, it could mean that it isn’t a romantic comedy.
Me: Ridiculous. Every movie that tries to market itself as something other than a romantic comedy is obviously just denying its true nature.
Brother: And the ones that do market themselves as romantic comedies?
Me: Are romantic comedies, obviously.
Brother: So every movie is a romantic comedy?
Me: Exactly.
Brother: So, if the only good romantic comedies are the ones that market themselves as romantic comedies, and every movie is a romantic comedy, then the only good movies are the ones that say they’re romantic comedies?
Me: I didn’t say we lived in an ideal world.
Brother: I’m not sure I buy this theory. Are you saying that 2001: A Space Odyssey is a romantic comedy?
Me: An unconventional one, but yes. Are you saying you detected no romantic tension between Dr. Floyd and the monolith? Between Dave and HAL? Between that Australopithecus and its stick?
Brother: (Audible silence. I’m not quite sure how he managed to do that, actually.)
Me: What?
Brother: …Okay, what about Pirates of the Caribbean?
Me: A torrid romance between a sailor and his love, the sea, who can never be together because one of them is from a low social standing and the other is 70% of the world’s surface.
Brother: Thor?
Me: You look at the way he grips that hammer and tell me you don’t notice any chemistry.
Brother: The Other Guys?
Me: Of course. That’s a bromance, which is “romance” with a “B”. So according to the United States educational system, a bromance is just a romance that has passed with a minimum of 83%
Brother: Passed what?
Me: I’m not quite sure. You can’t expect me to figure everything out for you.

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