Sunday, June 19, 2011

Finally Ending the Old Campaign

            (Still technically Saturday somewhere. I win.)

            If there’s one thing I’ve noticed in my observation of humanity, it’s that there is no cause stupid enough that there won’t be an organization specifically dedicated to defending it. I guarantee you that, somewhere deep in the bowels of Eastern Europe, there is a society dedicated to editing Donald Duck comics to represent a more accurate portrayal of the common waterfowl. However, if there’s one cause that I’ve never been able to understand, it would probably have to be environmental activism.
            Now, before I get angry comments from the trillions of people who presumably read my blog, let me say that I’m not against environmental activism. Anything that can compel people to chain themselves to trees while being faced by a bulldozer that doesn’t have a particularly high opinion of that tree can only be a good thing. What I am against is the environment. Yes, I know that it’s our Mother Earth and animals can feel pain and toddlers are routinely saved by endangered species of orchid and whatnot, but I find something innately appealing about the idea of the entire globe slowly being covered by concrete (Is that idea logistically impossible? Yes. Has that ever stopped us before? No.)
            So why am I opposed to the concept of “nature”? Simple. The scientific community is in general consensus that the human race, at some point, was a part of nature. We only arose to our current position astride the necks of innocent squirrels through the process of evolution. So think about it. If we could evolve from lower life forms, than so could lower life forms. What’s to stop, say, the humble gazelle from assuming the role of dominant predator of the planet? Normally, the answer to this question would be “millions of years of evolution, as well as basic common sense”. However, I’ve dumped enough barrels of toxic waste in various habitats that the former doesn’t apply to pretty much any species on Earth anymore, and I’ve tried to never let the latter bog me down too much anyway.
            So it’s only a matter of time before another species decides it wants to be top dog on the food chain, quite possibly the dogs. That’s why it’s in everybody’s best interests to absolutely screw over the natural world in every way conceivable, leading me to declare WFTA’s new campaign: the Anti-Environmentalist movement (Incidentally, this means ending my previous campaign against stretched cloth. That’s okay, though, I think it was scapegoated anyway.).
            This is a campaign that you can be a part of too. It’s simple: just constantly think to yourself, “Would doing what I’m doing right now make me the villain in an animated children’s movie?” If the answer is no, rectify your behavior. For example: you walk through a park every day to get to work? Every so often, bring along a flamethrower and just do what feels natural. Live near a beaver dam under construction? Leave out some wood laced with LSD and let hilarity ensue. Do absolutely nothing in your daily routine that involves nature? Take a week off every few days to go bludgeon something soft and cuddly.

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