(Who would win in a fight: Glasnot or Perestroika?)
Something has been bothering me as of late regarding this blog. You see, when I started this blog on that fateful day 57 years ago, it was with the intention that it never would be read by anybody. It was to be an insignificant wart festering silently on the backside of the internet, serving as sort of a contrast to the nearby loud, irregularly shaped wart that is 4chan, whom I mention here exclusively because I have now been trolled and I’ve found it invigorating.
However, I’ve recently gained three followers. I don’t know If they actually read what I write, but I certifies that this website has actually been seen, thus depriving me of my wart strategy. Because of this, I’ve made a slight alteration in my plan: instead of being completely unnoticed, my blog is going to be the single most popular thing the internet has ever had the privilege to bear witness to. Tvtropes shall be a mere shadow in the face of my time-wasting glory! World of Warcraft will see a mass exodus as its followers choose to pore over my ramblings like religious texts rather than debating twelve year olds over how much they should have to pay for the Giga Sword of Unholy Death (5 damage)! Facebook shall serve merely as the census for my magnificent empire! Lolcats will… maintain their dominance, in all probability. But it matters not! The conquest begins today! Step one: actually getting people to read this blog.
That part is probably going to be an uphill battle. Looking around at my fellow narcissists, I’ve noticed three things about most other blogs:
1. Their posts tend to be along the lines of “Sara lost her first tooth today guess that means I’m going to have to find some quarters LOL!!!!”
2. These posts are typically accompanied by a large photograph of Sara with her missing tooth and the blogger, indeed, LOLing, with an expression that indicates that this moment is worthy of at least four exclamation marks.
3. These blogs tend to have more followers than mine.
You might be saying that these followers could be fellow family members. Shut up, in that case. I see correlation, and everybody knows that correlation implies causation. With that in mind, I present Hal’s family blog:
Here we are some sort of beach! I still have fond memories of that semitransparent "iStockphotos" logo that would follow us around in those days.
The people on the left aren’t actually related to me. I just saw them taking a picture, and decided that I wanted in on the action. You’re actually seeing me mid-tackle. How I got the camera from them is another story entirely.
I think this one is fairly self-explanatory.
As I recall, this is the reason we gave up witchcraft.