Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Buttons Bother Me As Well

            (Sometimes I just write out a beginning sentence at random and work from there.) 

            There are many things that perplex me. The nature of life and philosophy in the universe. Why humans cannot coexist among themselves without conflict. What those two buttons on the side of my mouse do. What happens if you weld a manhole cover shut while a maintenance worker is still in the sewers (UPDATE: Tested this one out; it turns out that he gets really, really angry). Why there was a flock of birds lined up in front of a kiosk for a Stanley Kubrick film festival.
            The question that presses against my mind at the moment like a large man on the subway who insists that he’s getting off “right away” for 30 stops straight, thereby causing you to bolt off at an unfamiliar stop out of desperation and randomly ride various trains trying to get back to a familiar location like a slightly more urine-soaked version of Moses’ Exodus, is why society demands that I wear a suit- that is to say, a dress jacket and pants, tie, and buttoned shirt- on any and all formal occasions.
            “Society,” I say, quoting myself in my own blog as if this whole affair wasn’t tautological enough. “Can you please explain what makes a suit such an ideal thing to wear in any occasion that is to be treated with dignity?”
            Naturally, society doesn’t respond, because I’ve been remembering to take my medication lately. Unfortunately, that leaves the question still open for debate between myself. Take the concept of the “tie”, for example, a garment that literally serves no function other than to be tied incorrectly, thus earning oneself the implicit wrath of the universe at large.
            In and of itself, a tie isn’t all that bad. After all, we do a lot of pointless things as a society, and I’ve rationalized most of these by working under the assumption that a lot of people are pointless. What bothers me is that they have become associated with any position of dignity. Think about it: when was the last time you pictured a cabal of government secret agents doing reconnaissance in an unmarked van while wearing polo shirts and khakis? And, conversely, when was the last time you saw a smartly dressed hobo?
            It isn’t as if wearing a suit is always the most effective strategy in a tight fashion situation. For example, it’s often been said that a judge is more likely to treat a defendant with respect if they come to court wearing the traditional jacket-tie-pants combo. I contest that supposition. I can say from personal experience that the outfit that garners the most sympathy from a judge is not a “monkey suit”, so to speak, but rather a literal monkey suit.


  1. What does this have to do with aids?

  2. Sir, I think you're missing the point here. My blog does not "have to do with" any specific thing. My blog trancends such proletarian concerns as "consistency" and "coherency" and "being interesting to read" and "not reusing jokes" and "coherency".

  3. Your assumption that I am a male is disgustingly sexist. I close my legs and turn in shame, and nay shall you approach me from the rear! Nay!