Friday, May 20, 2011

The Benny Hill March

            (Every so often, I get the feeling that somebody is watching me. Then I realize that I’m just looking in a mirror. Then I smash the mirror, because I’ve seen too much to allow myself to just walk out of the room. Of course, then I’m just left with a bunch of smaller mirrors, all of whom have seen what I’ve done to the original one. This is where the day gets complicated.)

Captains Log: Stardate, 64888.2

            Alright. Considering that I included “family pictures” in my previous post, I can only assume that the entire internet universe has become enraptured in my obvious brilliance and my blog has become the focal point of no fewer than fifteen major religions. Because of this, it saddens me to imagine the devastation that must have occurred as a result of this post being delayed for two days. Unfortunately, it’s hard for me to actually go out and witness this sad state of affairs in the world due to a recent anomaly in my place of residence that causes my front door to lead into my closet, which has had a negative impact on both my access to the outside world and my understanding of Euclidian geometry.
            So anyway, I’ve been reduced to speculation on the state of the world following what will inevitably be deemed “The Great Post Absence of 2011”. The troubles would have started around noon on Thursday, when it became evident that my loose definition of “Wednesday” was over and no post was in sight. This revelation would have undoubtedly thrown all of the developed nations of the world into a global war of unprecedented proportions: The United Kingdom invades France, France invades Spain, Spain invades the United Kingdom, and the three armies chase each other in a gigantic loop to a dramatic rendition of “Yakkity Saks”! The United States simultaneously invades Canada and Mexico, but is beaten back by Canada’s secret army of steam-powered robot Mounties and the fact that Mexico is Mexico! The Prime Minister of Japan presses a single button, accessible only to him, which turns Tokyo into a gigantic city-sized mech that seeks vengeance against those who dare not to be city-sized mechs! Greenland, sick of being ignored in all of this mess, rolls its entire landmass into a gigantic sphere that rolls across the Earth like the Katamari from hell!
            Of course, I have no way of actually determining whether this is true. Actually, the fact that I haven’t been crushed by a Greenland-Katamari kicked by the Tokyo-Mech casts some doubt upon my suppositions. This leads me to assume that the uproar caused by my slight delay in posting has been confined to mass urban uprisings, and the governments of the world are too occupied in controlling these to be engaging in warfare on a comically large scale, which saddens me to no end.

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