Thursday, March 31, 2011

I Will Be Assimilated

            (I'm fairly certain that I made most of this up. Soon to be made into a feature film directed by Quentin Tarantino, starring Doris Roberts as “Tiny”)

            I’ve always been fascinated to an unhealthy degree by the concept of cyborgs, to the point where I spent the vast majority of the parts of my childhood that didn’t take place in air conditioning vents snatching wheelchairs from underneath those using them, trying to see if I could make myself “one of them”. Most people would have stopped doing this after finding out that it was just a matter of sitting in the chair, but being of a scientific bent, I decided that further trials were necessary to make the objective conclusion that most paraplegics weren’t cyborgs. I’ve come to accept this as a given nowadays, though field research is still being conducted on people wearing cell phone headsets.
            Irregardless, I haven’t been deterred from my dream of being part machine, though I’ve had to resort to some questionable means in pursuit of this goal, due to the fact that every local facility that concern’s itself with robotics has my photo with a large “X” drawn over it placed over every porthole, which is a maneuver that I deem unnecessarily extreme.
            The first modification that I made to my body consisted of an ordinary pacemaker, despite the advice of my cardiologist (“You don’t need one”, “Your heart is fine”, “Don’t be an idiot”, etc.). Although I realize this was a small modification, I still think it was a step in the right direction, and the occasional bit of cardiac arrest only serves to reinforce this for me. However, I decided that I needed more of a substantial start, and subsequently petitioned my surgeon to add an additional five pacemakers. He was against this idea at the start (“You didn’t need one in the first place”, “That might kill you”, “I’m not doing that”, “Please put down my scalpel”, etc.) but I managed to bring him over to my side through some admittedly aggressive negotiations. I’m very pleased with the results- I now produce a pleasant rattling sound whenever I make a turn, and I’ve recently discovered that I can turn on appliances by merely touching them (electrical burns being the main downside to this technique).
            Next on the list of modifications was something that would allow me to directly interface with computers. Due to somewhat strained relations with the local hospital following the pacemaker incident, I was forced to find alternatives to conventional medicine for this. With an astounding leap of logic of the sort normally confined to underachieving badgers, I decided that the best way to go about this would be to swallow a USB drive. A few hours of searing intestinal pain later, I found myself lying in a hospital bed. Evidently they’re forced to admit you if you’re in immediate medical danger, a convenient loophole that I’m going to get a lot of use out of in the near future.
            Anyway, the flash drive is gone, putting a thorn in my plans for cyborgification. Still, I’ve got an easy way to get back into the hospital, an absolute disregard for humanity, and far more free time than a person should be allowed, so my prospects are looking good.

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